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The True Stories Behind The Spam

bill.bagley <przdyujixfi@hotmail.com>: Bill Bagley is the most unusual of direct online marketers, in that he is a true clairvoyant. He actually senses his prospects’ sexual problems from thousands of miles away, and sends them helpful suggestions on products that are ready to assist them. Naturally, this approach is liable to shock the recipient — who would expect an email from a perfect stranger to be so completely and perfectly dead-on in its accuracy? Without special powers, how else could some unknown Mr. Bagley be aware that one’s girlfriend thinks one is perfect and a wonderful choice for her, but that all the time one has been hiding the problems with one’s erections? And that one has been trying to postpone sex as long as possible? And that there is simply no way to hide the truth anymore? And that having sex can make one look up to 12 years younger? Of course, this would all be quite ridiculous and unbelievable in its presumptuousness, if it weren’t the absolute truth, down to every last detail. That’s where being a clairvoyant can get you the edge in direct marketing — knowing the absolute truth, from a distance. Despite his severe difficulties in typing “Viagra” without accidentally hitting a lot of punctuation keys, Bill’s unique talents have enabled him to make it in a tough, competitive sales environment. He may be able to help you out, too.

Locoweed K. Patrolman <dave923@gothicinnbi.com>: “Loco” was the only child of a state trooper and a whorehouse madam in the desolate high plains of West Texas. He acquired his unusual last name due to a mixup on his birth certificate; his father, never a detail man, accidentally wrote his occupation where the child’s intended last name (Smith) should have been. Young Locoweed’s isolated environment led him early to computers and the Internet as a means of connecting with other people and feeding his hunger for information about the outside world. An almost obsessive fascination with chemistry and biology overtook him; he spent hours in the basement, perfecting complex organic syntheses. One fateful morning, one of his mother’s regular customers joined the family for a hearty pancake breakfast. When this gentleman, one Wrongly Q. Arctic by name, mentioned that he was a traveling representative of a major pharmaceutical company, Loco instantly struck up a conversation, and out there in the arid Texan wilderness an online business was born. Loco would synthesize cheap but effective knockoffs of prescription drugs and handle all the email, and Wrongly would write the clever, unique advertising copy, handcrafting it for each customer with folksy spellings and turns of phrase. In under one year, Locoweed earned enough to help his folks not only pay off the mortgage, but refurbish their establishment’s somewhat somber decor in a more traditional and welcoming style.

belajio5 <ylubikanmiu@yahoo.com>: Ylubikanmiu Bellagio, Jr. was born in the slums of Naples in 1975, the youngest son in a troubled family. His mother, an Albanian, left home when he was only 3 years old; his father was a hopeless drug addict. Left to fend for himself much of the time, young Ylubi (as he was called by his friends) sold candy and spumoni on the tough Neapolitan streets, a canny urchin barely scratching out a living. When he was 20, his father died, his ice cream business collapsed, and his girlfriend left him for another man who was using Advanced Gain Pro Penis Enlargement Pills. It was there, at the bottom of the bottom, that Ylubi heard about an obscure traditional herbal distillate peddled by his Albanian half-uncle that had the power to change lives. After only a single dose, not only was he suddenly awash in hot dates, but he realized he had a hell of a product on his hands. Branding the herbal concoction “Ultra Allure Pheromones”, he made it his life goal to share his good fortune with others through the miracle of direct online marketing. Thanks to his passionate emails that he personally composes for each and every sales prospect, Ylubi has prospered. He now lives in Key West, Florida, a successful and happy entrepreneur whose chief satisfaction is helping others experience their sex lives to the fullest extent possible.

Oksana <admin@mydatingrussiaweb.info>: Oksana Karushchenko, to be perfectly plain, is just a lonely 25 year old Russian woman with a human heart like yours or mine. As if being lonely wasn’t bad enough, she suffers terribly from the stereotyped responses of most people who receive her emails: they assume she is a brassy, mobbed-up gold-digger who’s only looking for a wealthy American mark with a credit card account to drain. Nothing could be further from the truth. Ms. Karushchenko is not only a delicate, sensitive and frail beauty, but is also a woman of considerable and independent means. She was the only daughter of a corrupt party functionary who for years ran Komkatlit, the state kitty litter monopoly, with an iron fist. After the fall of communism he made billions of rubles from kickbacks and bribes before he died, leaving Oksana with the delicate problem of how to move this ill-gotten fortune out of Russia. All she seeks is a thoughtful, selfless man who wants to share life and love with her, while living out the rest of his days in unimaginable wealth and luxury. Nonetheless, people assume the worst of her when they discover she needs a mere $10,000 advance to pay for an Ill-Gotten Gains Export Permit from the Russian government. Sometimes her quest feels doubtful, but in the meantime, Oksana sits and studies her English, hoping against hope that there is one man left in the West who has not yet lost the simple ability to believe.